I hate to be choosy

So, on campus here there is a variety of restaurants to eat. Two of my favorites are Subway and Jimmy Johns! yumm! I have really gotten attached to Subway, mostly because I don't feel guilty after eating there and I'm full. I have been buying my lunch a lot lately, because I have been so tired I hardly get out of bed in time to put on shoes much less pack a lunch. So, I've been going to Subway a lot lately. Today, I was there in line and I was the second person in line (about to pay). I noticed the man at the register was looking down at my chest/stomach area. I wasn't sure which one he was looking at, but I wasn't too happy about either option. My chest, which is fairly large, well, we all know why I wouldn't like him looking there (pervert). My stomach is fatter than it used to be, and a huge source of insecurity for me, so I didn't want him looking there either. I said, "HEY!" What are you looking at??" and he snapped out of it and said, "oh, sorry. Your nametag." okay. So, I eat my lunch and throw away my trash. I went to fill up my Diet Coke one more time before I left and one of the workers walked up behind me and was like "psst. pssssssst." I turned around, thinking that SURELY she was not "pssst-ing" me. OH, SHE WAS!! I turned around and she handed me a little piece of paper and said, "this is Gary's number." I said, "GARY?? Who's Gary??" I guess she was trying to make a speedy getaway, so she said (rather impatiently) "the guy. THE guy!" and pointed towards the register where the man who was staring at my "nametag" was standing. OHHHH. great.

I politely said thank you and quickly scurried off.


I should mention that he's approximately 49 years old.


I should have told him that my mother is single.

My Snooze Addiction

No matter what time I go to bed at night...it still happens. I CANNOT get up when my alarm goes off. I set it MUCH MUCH MUCH too far in advance just so that I can hit that stupid snooze button approximately 1,000,000 times. I've even tried setting it closer to the time I have to get up and saying, Ok, I will only snooze 3 times. YEAH RIGHT! I have no idea what the obsession is!

The truth is, if there were a sport in the Olympics for who could sleep the longest, I would take home the Gold! I tell you what! nighttime is a marathon, not a sprint, people! Although lately, it's been far too much of a sprint--and we all know how sprinting makes us feel: tired, sore, and a little cranky.

So, that's what I've been. The past 4 nights I haven't gotten good sleep, much less enough hours logged in the bed, so each day I wake up more and more tired than the last. Today, I am right on the brink of being a zombie. I had a venti iced coffee with 3 sweet n' lows and cream this morning just to get me through the morning. I confused poor Deborah by ordering Venti. She didn't even know who I was, therefore I didn't get my normal, "good morning, Kristi! How are you today???" from sweet little deborah. Isn't it funny how much things like that can affect your day/mood.

I had a dream last night that we had mice in our walls. Hundreds and hundreds of mice. There was a hole where they were coming into the rooms so I stuck some sticky traps up against the hole. In my dream, hundreds of mice kept running out of that hole and getting piled up on that sticky trap. I kept putting fresh sticky traps up against the hole but they were "filling" up as fast as I could place them. And little mice were running all around me and i was screaming. I might have been screaming in real life. No one woke me though--so i guess I wasn't.

So, even when I am asleep I'm dreaming of mice running all over me. Even when I finally get rest It's just not enough. I'm running on empty, and I still have two more work days left. I just don't think I'm going to make it!!

Tonight we're going to a friend's house to watch a movie. Ten bucks says I don't see the end.

Or maybe even the middle.

Lights off: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

whooo hoooo!

I started this post about all my pet peeves and about 2 hours later when I finally finished my list I realized that the list was way too long and i should be ashamed of myself. So i deleted it.

I know---I've been far too absent these past few days...

We have company in town. And I've been working on this project at work. So, don't worry. I'll be back. And i'll try to at least post something small each day! :)


See you soon!

Since we've been on this topic...(JELLO LOVERS: DON'T READ!)

I started working at the hospital at a nurse's aide for two reasons: I needed a job and also my best friend worked there doing the same thing. I requested that I work on her floor and they hired me based on her good recommendation. I really was good at my job. I busted my butt and gave 144% everyday...even when I was exhausted. I tried to make sure that every one of my patients were taken care of and that when they left they wouldn't have a single negative thing to say about my job performance. I worked very hard and I was very good at my job.

But I didn't start out that way.

After going through the intensive 2 week classroom training, we were assigned to our floors and we had a preceptor. Jules, my best friend, was my preceptor. I was expected to go through the motions with her and see what all she did...take notes and ask questions...and just get to stand back and watch. YEAH RIGHT. Apparently everyone and their mother knows that hospitals are shorthanded so when they get fresh meat they put you to work FAST! So, I switched from observing to a little more...hands on.

One of my first hands-on "lessons" was changing an adult diaper. I figured that I'd done the kid ones before and honestly, NOTHING can be worse than some of the kid diapers I've changed.

I learned very quickly that I was very wrong on that point.

The man we were going to be, um, working on was about 75ish and he was in the hospital for none else: persistent diarrhea. YAY! So he was on a clear liquid diet: Jello, chicken broth, sprite. That's about all you have to choose from, and when you're hungry there's only so much chicken "broth" (which consisted of a bullion cube in some hot water, stirred.) a man can take. So he ate a lot of jello. A LOT.

Does anyone see where I'm going? extra points if you do!

So we go in there and it's literally my first day. I already had gotten a little tickled because the man looked like an African American Albert Einstein. His hair looked like he went digging for some food with his metal spoon in the electrical socket. So, I already had the chuckles, but I managed to just turn them into a smile. Julie had given me the run-down outside the door so I would know what to expect. I was fully prepared.

We went inside and Julie introduced us to the gentleman. We'll call him Albert, for all intents and purposes. Albert said hello and informed us that he was very sorry that he was having to use a diaper and he was very embarrassed that we would have to clean him up. He continued to say that he wanted to just use the toilet but couldn't seem to get there in time. Imagine that. Persistent diarrhea mixed with 75 year old bones. Not a good mixture. Anyway! So we begin work on Albert and take his diaper off. Jules is on one side of the bed, I'm on the other. Albert is laying on his side facing me so that Jules can clean him up. Albert is laying on his side facing me. With no diaper on. OKAY...let me interrupt myself and say that up until this point I had never seen a boy part before on anyone over the age of 2. MAYBE 2 and a half. But definitely not an adult. But THERE it was. It caught my eye and I couldn't look away. I was so bothered by how disgusting boy parts are that I just COULDN'T LOOK AWAY. Jules started clearing her throat...I knew she was trying to get my attention. I tried to look at her instead of this nasty thing starting at me. Jules kept clearing her throat louder and louder and louder...

With a shake of my head I was finally able to look at Jules. She swears I was only looking at his boy parts for about 3 seconds, but it felt like a lifetime. Also, I learned that it was not only his particular boy parts that I found so disturbing. It's all of them. They just look so gross.

Ah, judge me if you want! They ARE gross.

Anyway, so I angled my body back towards Albert's face so that I didn't even see the "parts" in my peripheral vision. I began quietly chatting with Albert for a few minutes to relieve his embarrassment and also to keep me from staring. Then it came time for Jules to roll him over just to make sure she got him clean. So, he rolls his bottom towards me and he's facing Jules. It didn't take long--something about laying on that side of his body shifted his intestines/colon/whatever and he started yelling, "uh-oh! OH NO! it's coming! I gotta go again!" And we heard Pbbbbttttttttt...ttbppp...pppttbbb...bbbb...ptttbbb....

And guess what happened? He pooped JELLO! There were actual jello chunks in his poop! Red and orange! I know that's gross, but it's not the point of the story. The point is, I got tickled. Ok, actually, I laughed out loud. Jules snapped her fingers once, pointed to the door, and I ran out. I felt so bad for laughing and I went back and apologized later, but at the time, that was the funniest thing I'd ever seen! I've always been a girl who thinks Farts are Funny (as long as you're not farting in my face.) So, I guess I can blame it on being so new to nakedness, farting, and all the bodily functions that most people do behind closed doors. This poor man (and every patient, for that matter) couldn't help it. But I laughed so hard and so long!

It took me weeks where when someone farted (by accident only. If they did it on purpose it wasn't that funny) I could hold my composure. I had to leave the room so many times.

But, you'd think it was funny too if you saw jello confetti coming out of someones inadvertent fart!!

It's Friday, Peace Out!

Well, since I have these people who actually read my mediocre ramblings here, I figured I should tell y'all who don't already know that I don't write on the weekends. I'm leaving today at 1:00 for a dentist appointment and so this is the last thing I'll post till monday!


See y'all then! have a great weekend!!

The Blame Game

So, let's face it. I'm gassy.


Yes. You heard me right. Gassy. I poot like you wouldn't believe. I swear that I must not digest my food correctly and that's why I'm a fart machine, but there's nothing that helps. Don't judge. Everyone poots at least once in their lives. Even YOU!

So, when I'm at work, the gas just builds and builds because I have no outlet. I cannot run outside every time I have to poot...aside from the fact that it's WINTER here and people would probably see steam coming from my pants in the frigid temperatures. Nothing screams, "I JUST FARTED!!" like steam coming from your butt. Also, I cannot run to the bathroom each time I need to fart either. This is for various reasons: 1. Have you ever HEARD a fart in a toilet??? The toilet just causes an echo effect letting everyone in a 75-yard radius know that you just farted. 2. By the time I actually get to the bathroom, the gas has already worked it's way back up into my digestive tract and I won't feel it again until I sit down.

I have tried to come up with creative ways to relieve myself of my excess gas. When it's just me in the clinic, I just let it go. Not at my desk, because I am out in this "main hallway" where people would walk by and smell my toxicity, so I go in the back of the clinic and just let 'er rip! But when my boss is here, that's clearly inappropriate, mostly because it would KILL him. Anyway. My desk is butted up against a medical records closet and the door has a little keypad lock thing on it. It also has it's own little air vent. I thought it was an air vent that sucks air up...because I'm a moron. Guess what!? It's an air vent that pushes air out. See where I'm going??

One day I thought I might EXPLODE from my gas so I just popped right in that closet and farted and farted and just farted some more. When I was "done" I snuck out, trying to open the door as little as possible so that no gas escaped. I went back to my desk and got to work. After a few minutes I smelled faintly a stinky aroma. I sniffed the air and my eyes popped open so wide because I realized that if I could smell the farty-ness then it was very close to my boss smelling it!!! I jumped up with some spray and just then my boss walked out of his office. "Do you smell something?" He asked. JUNK!!! "I do." I said...and then I said the first thing I could think of:
"it's that patient in exam room 2. She's kind of older and I think she just couldn't hold in her gas. Old people have trouble with that, you know?"

I blamed my disgusting gas on a harmless, oblivious old lady! I'm sure my boss thought she was just gross the whole time he was examining her. I ought to be ashamed of myself.

But I guess you could say she took the fall while I came out smelling like a rose.

One of the many resons I live in CO

Oh, isn't that just lovely!? I'm no photographer--which is why the mountains are fuzzy, but Hey, I do what I can. This was the scene leaving Sweet Tomatoes (my fav. restaurant) on Saturday night on our way to church! OH, how lovely.

Oh, and as for the Rain in the Kitchen a few MONTHS ago...

We are now officially fixed. I am a moron and didn't take pictures of the final product...but you get the idea:

It's good to be back to normal. AND the best part...the WONDERFUL company that took care of the water extraction came in and cleaned our apartment and MAN DID THEY CLEAN! they even steam-cleaned the carpet...which it REALLY needed! yay! I will recommend that company to anyone who will ask! they were wonderful!!

And I'm including these pictures because I just think this is the FUNNIEST thing ever. I was home visiting my family in AL and we were driving down the road and I saw these little horses. They're adult horses, but they're miniature! isn't that just the funniest thing? All these little squatty horses milling around. It's so funny to me!

Notice the wide-open country. yes. Thankyouverymuch.

Okay..i know this is a cheap post...b/c I'm not really telling you anything, but I'll post another funny story tomorrow. :)

Bed Pans for Broken Hips are very shallow.

So, as I have mentioned, I used to be a nurses' aide for about a year. It was the job that I had before moving to CO. I worked there while I was in college, but once I graduated I started picking up some extra shifts. I was trying to save up money to move across the country. I think most weeks I worked about 64 hours. I know. It's a lot. I spent almost all my time in a zombie state from lack of sleep. But it was all for a good cause, so I pushed on. I worked a lot of double shifts...3-11 was my normal shift, then I'd work 11-7. Go home, sleep from 8 to 1. Get up, shower, go back to work in time to clock in at 2:38 and do it all over again. It was crazy now that I think about it. Anyway, most of my really funny stories come from this time. There was another guy who worked with me named Hunter, and for some reason we were the ones who worked the most hours. He was saving up for nursing school. Gosh, he was such a good guy. :) Anyway, the particular story I'd like to share with you today is about a time when I let a 86 year old lady poop in my hand.


Yes. You read that correctly.


I did have gloves on. Don't judge me. :)

So the story goes like this:
I worked on the floor of the hospital with Orthopaedics, Neurology, Urology, and Plastic surgery. I have many a story about the Urology part *hence me helping that man urinate* but that's for another day. anyway. When patients have broken hips, they basically cannot get out of bed for a while. That means that when they need to potty they have to use a bedpan. They make special bedpans for hip patients, because the normal one is so painful for a hip patient to use. Also, when a patient wets/soils their linens they cannot just get up and you change the bed. You have to change the bed with them in it. Sounds fun, right? Just stop and think about that for a second. It's lots of rolling and smooshing and pulling. Rolling on a hip that is broken. Does that sound like something you would want to do? NO WAY! And mostly because I am not Satan, I don't like inflicting pain on others either. So, you tried to avoid soiled linens at ALL COSTS. Do you see where I'm going with this story??

So, this little old lady, who's having a tough time in the hospital because she's got a low pain tolerance, she doesn't have a husband or family there with her, and she's obviously used to using the bathroom without assistance, calls because she has to use the bathroom. Number 2. And because she was embarrassed she tried to hold it. Now she has realized she cannot hold it anymore and she needs help NOW. great. So, I ran down to her room to get her situated on a bed pan. Usually two people go to do this, because it's difficult to roll a hip patient on their side, HOLD THEM UP, and place the bedpan. But the only person available was Hunter. This lady did not want Hunter's help...so it was all on me. I rolled her on her side and held her there with one hand (probably arm shaking like a leaf) and tried to place the bedpan with the other hand. All the while she's screaming like a mad duck. "Ohhh, you're hurting me!! Ouch! Let me go! OHHH!!" and so on. You get used to that, unfortunately. So, i place the bedpan as best I can and roll her back on her back. It was obvious that I missed but she had already started to use the bathroom. Without going into great detail (too late!) let's just say that I had a choice to make, very quickly: let her bowel movement happen on the sheets....or catch it. I KNOW BUT I WAS UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE AND I WAS SO SO SO SLEEPY!!! Don't throw stones. So the choice I made was one I think I'd still make today. I grabbed a latex glove from the little box in the wall...quickly threw it on, and caught the line drive (or whatever baseball analogies you want to add in here. ) As I went to...empty...my hand the little old lady yelled, "hey! Aren't you going to clean me up???" I just chuckled as I dropped off her browns at the Superbowl.

Things I wish I hadn't done...

So, there's a radio show I listen to on my way home from work. It's really a kind of silly show, and most of the time it's just a bunch of people calling in and telling stories of their lives that will win a prize, according to that day's theme. For example, they have days where you call in and tell them your WORST/BEST shopping splurge that you couldn't afford...or tell them your childhood secret...and the WORST/BEST wins a prize. So, I listen, and usually laugh at the crazy things that people say. I also spend a lot of time wondering why these people would call and let thousands of people hear the horrible things they've done. BUT...then I started thinking...and I thought--even though I won't call the radio show and let thousands of people hear the things I wish I'd never done...I WILL write about it on my "blog". So, here we are.

Things I wish I HADN'T done...

1. Gotten a credit card in college. Although, that credit card funded my move across the country...so I don't know.
2. When I was in college I worked at a hospital as a nurses' aide. I wish I hadn't had to help that man use the bathroom that time. I should have gotten a guy to do it. Nothing bad happened...it's a funny story actually. But each time I tell the story, and everyone around me is laughing...I think about how I should have said no.
3. I wish I hadn't stopped writing in cursive as soon as I was out of 2nd grade. I still cannot write in cursive. When I had a choice, in 3rd grade and beyond...I ALWAYS chose print...and now, that's the only way I can write.
4. I wish I hadn't dated the guy I dated in high school. I mean, there was nothing wrong with him at the time...but it ended badly and I think I'm forever scarred.
5. I wish I hadn't dated the guy I dated in college either. But he was very short-term. I thought I would really like him because he was from a strange, foreign nation and that is very interesting! However, I learned quickly that I should have just done a report on the country, and not dated him. He was very strange. Needless to say that I had to break it off after a couple weeks. Very funny stories though.
6. I wish I hadn't typed number 4 and 5 together. It makes it sound like I have made all these bad choices as far as dating...but those are the only two guys I've ever dated. And you can't count the second one...that was a joke!
7. I wish I hadn't spent so much time, energy, and emotion on trying to maintain a relationship with my dad once my parents split. It was clear from the get-go that the interest was mine alone, and he had another family that was top priority. Had I figured it out sooner, I probably would have had much more fun in college. I would have stopped being an RA my senior year, so that I could just work and go to school...as opposed to working, school, and being a full-time RA. I also would have taken that trip to New York City that year when I turned 21 with my friends. He said no, I couldn't go. And i didn't. Mostly because I didn't want to make him mad. Once I finally realized that I was not running in first place anymore...I was running in 5th, I stopped running--and FINALLY caught my breath.
8. I wish I hadn't had to work at a call center when I first moved out here. I still have nightmares about that place. I have to admit that I used to hope the sprinklers would accidentally go off while I was there so that all the phones and computers would short out and break and I wouldn't have to work there anymore. :) I really was scarred. I cried everyday at work--except the last day I worked there. There were no tears about leaving.
9. I wish I hadn't had a large coffee this morning instead of my normal medium. I'll be feeling that one later. :-{
10. I wish I hadn't been so mean to my brother and sister growing up. I think that we have great relationships now, but it took a LONG time to get there!
11. I wish I hadn't bought this scrub top that I'm wearing today. Although it's a good color, it's too short and very annoying. I have to keep tugging...and if you're tugging on your clothes that means they don't fit.
12. I wish I hadn't believed Malynna Reynolds when she told me in 4th grade that Josh whatever-his-name-was didn't like me. Because he did. And she lied because she liked him. And he could have been my prince charming. hahahaahah!
13. I wish I hadn't seen that shark that time when Heather, Stevie and me were playing very far out in the ocean on a "family vacation". I think this contributes to part of my ocean-panic.
14. I wish I hadn't tried that sip of wine when i worked at Olive Garden for 3 days. It felt like I was drinking nail polish remover! yuck!!! Alcohol is NOT for me!!

OK...i stopped at 14 because that's my favorite number. I hope this was sort of funny! it wasn't supposed to be some heavy list of regrets. It was supposed to be funny and true. :) I hope you enjoyed!

Oh, my! It's been awhile...

So, I was contemplating not writing here anymore. The truth is, my sister is really the only one who reads this, i think, or at least the only person who has any interest in what I ate for lunch two wednesdays ago, so I could just email her everyday. But, here I am. Because...well, I don't really know why.

So, because I'm a little lazy, and because I spent TWO WHOLE DAYS on this, I'll just list this thing I did for Facebook:

25 Random (and seemingly unimportant) facts about me:

I like to count down instead of up. (I guess that's number 25.)
24. I hate squirrels. The whole country's popluation of squirrels lives on the campus where I work and people (namely those who work with me) feed the squirrels right outside my office and thus they are not afraid of people and LOVE to sit at my window and STARE at me. And did I mention that they're the same size as the miniature dachshund that lives at my house????
23. I miss College Football and being in the south during the football season. People out here only care about Pro Ball (Broncos) and it makes me very sad.
22. Along the same line as squirrels...I hate the meerkat species. Long story. But I will tell you this: if I ever see a meerkat injured on the side of the road...I'll keep walking.
21. I am very weird about stuff touching my ears. I don't like other people to touch my ears and I'll get furiously mad if you give me a wet-willie. If i get water in my ears I sort of freak out.
20. Two things give me panic attacks. The first is something I've known about for years and that's the Ocean. I can be near it...see it...and even stand with my tip-toes in teh water...but if I have to get in the water for any reason I will FREAK. And the second I just recently learned about: driving in the snow. It's much scarier than you think when you live in a climate where everyone driving isn't scared and you ARE!
19. I work in an Eye Clinic for type I diabetics. We dilate peoples eyes and then use several different methods to look at the retina for signs of Diabetic Retinopathy. The best method we use is called Retinal Photography. I am in training to learn Retinal Photography. Most people who go through Optometry school don't learn retinal photograpy. I'm very blessed to be here and to be learning so much!
18. I used to fight so much with my brother and sister. A LOT! But now...I can't imagine my life without them. I also love my nieces and nephew more than I ever though I could love little kids with sometimes-snotty noses.
17. I have been so blessed to find the most wonderful church! It's a "me too" community like I've never experienced! www.flatironschurch.com And because of that church Jules and I have had the change to make such wonderful friends (the commUNITY group)! :)
16. I wear long johns almost every day. (under my clothes, of course)
15. I cry at almost anything to do with the military. At ballgames where they have fly-overs, when I see young soldiers at the airport, when there's a military-related song on the radio...i cry and cry. I'm so thankful for the sacrifice all military personnel make. I have friends in the military and I cannot tell you how proud they make me. It never fails--i cry.
14. I have a very real fear of getting breast cancer.
13. When I read books I actually see the story play out in my head...so vividly sometimes that I cannot remember if a story was a book I read or a movie I saw.
12. I have almost died each time I've tried skiing. Therefore, even though I live in CO, I do not ski.
11. I am thinking about being a flight attendant someday. Not as my forever career, but for a while.
10. I tend to smack my gum. I cannot help it. I try to make a conscious effort not to, but I still do it without realizing. I'm sure it's pretty annoying.
9. I crack my knuckles almost constantly. All day long. I do it without even realizing. I'm sure it's pretty annoying.
8. I make the dumbest jokes. I laugh at my own jokes. I seriously think I'm hilarious! Most of the time Jules is the only one who thinks my jokes are funny too. That's why we're best friends. Sometimes other people laugh. That's okay too.
7. When I shop I look at little decoration things and crafty things, and instead of buying it I think, "I can make that! I'm not buying that when I can make it." And sometimes I do actually make it. For the most part I say, "I'm not buying that because I can make it!!" and then I do one of two things: 1. I make it, but spend double what I could have bought it for. 2. I don't buy it and then never make it. :(
6. I learned how to swim correctly, you know, with all the strokes and all, about a two years ago...and I'm actually pretty good...but I still look like I'm drowning if thrown/pushed into a pool. I'm told it's one of the funniest things you've ever seen.
5. I sneeze about 100 or more times a day. My boss can account for this. He doesn't even say "bless you" anymore.
4. I have only bought one cell phone in my life. All my others have been hand-me-downs (mostly from my sister.)
3. I drive like a maniac (except when it's snowy, of course). Seriously, i get really aggravated at other drivers. I don't ever make hand gestures or yell obscenities, but i do yell...and I've been known to honk on occasion.
2. I am so un-interesting that it has taken me TWO DAYS to think of this many things...
1. I love post-its. I write everything on post-its. I've been known to walk around with post-its stuck to me so i can remember something.
Well, there we go. None of this was all that interesting, but they were at least random. :) I Hope you enjoyed


Okay...well, that's enough for today. I'm going to try to get back in the habit of posting (for you Heather!!) :)