Bed Pans for Broken Hips are very shallow.

So, as I have mentioned, I used to be a nurses' aide for about a year. It was the job that I had before moving to CO. I worked there while I was in college, but once I graduated I started picking up some extra shifts. I was trying to save up money to move across the country. I think most weeks I worked about 64 hours. I know. It's a lot. I spent almost all my time in a zombie state from lack of sleep. But it was all for a good cause, so I pushed on. I worked a lot of double shifts...3-11 was my normal shift, then I'd work 11-7. Go home, sleep from 8 to 1. Get up, shower, go back to work in time to clock in at 2:38 and do it all over again. It was crazy now that I think about it. Anyway, most of my really funny stories come from this time. There was another guy who worked with me named Hunter, and for some reason we were the ones who worked the most hours. He was saving up for nursing school. Gosh, he was such a good guy. :) Anyway, the particular story I'd like to share with you today is about a time when I let a 86 year old lady poop in my hand.


Yes. You read that correctly.


I did have gloves on. Don't judge me. :)

So the story goes like this:
I worked on the floor of the hospital with Orthopaedics, Neurology, Urology, and Plastic surgery. I have many a story about the Urology part *hence me helping that man urinate* but that's for another day. anyway. When patients have broken hips, they basically cannot get out of bed for a while. That means that when they need to potty they have to use a bedpan. They make special bedpans for hip patients, because the normal one is so painful for a hip patient to use. Also, when a patient wets/soils their linens they cannot just get up and you change the bed. You have to change the bed with them in it. Sounds fun, right? Just stop and think about that for a second. It's lots of rolling and smooshing and pulling. Rolling on a hip that is broken. Does that sound like something you would want to do? NO WAY! And mostly because I am not Satan, I don't like inflicting pain on others either. So, you tried to avoid soiled linens at ALL COSTS. Do you see where I'm going with this story??

So, this little old lady, who's having a tough time in the hospital because she's got a low pain tolerance, she doesn't have a husband or family there with her, and she's obviously used to using the bathroom without assistance, calls because she has to use the bathroom. Number 2. And because she was embarrassed she tried to hold it. Now she has realized she cannot hold it anymore and she needs help NOW. great. So, I ran down to her room to get her situated on a bed pan. Usually two people go to do this, because it's difficult to roll a hip patient on their side, HOLD THEM UP, and place the bedpan. But the only person available was Hunter. This lady did not want Hunter's help...so it was all on me. I rolled her on her side and held her there with one hand (probably arm shaking like a leaf) and tried to place the bedpan with the other hand. All the while she's screaming like a mad duck. "Ohhh, you're hurting me!! Ouch! Let me go! OHHH!!" and so on. You get used to that, unfortunately. So, i place the bedpan as best I can and roll her back on her back. It was obvious that I missed but she had already started to use the bathroom. Without going into great detail (too late!) let's just say that I had a choice to make, very quickly: let her bowel movement happen on the sheets....or catch it. I KNOW BUT I WAS UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE AND I WAS SO SO SO SLEEPY!!! Don't throw stones. So the choice I made was one I think I'd still make today. I grabbed a latex glove from the little box in the wall...quickly threw it on, and caught the line drive (or whatever baseball analogies you want to add in here. ) As I went to...empty...my hand the little old lady yelled, "hey! Aren't you going to clean me up???" I just chuckled as I dropped off her browns at the Superbowl.