So, let's face it. I'm gassy.
Yes. You heard me right. Gassy. I poot like you wouldn't believe. I swear that I must not digest my food correctly and that's why I'm a fart machine, but there's nothing that helps. Don't judge. Everyone poots at least once in their lives. Even YOU!
So, when I'm at work, the gas just builds and builds because I have no outlet. I cannot run outside every time I have to poot...aside from the fact that it's WINTER here and people would probably see steam coming from my pants in the frigid temperatures. Nothing screams, "I JUST FARTED!!" like steam coming from your butt. Also, I cannot run to the bathroom each time I need to fart either. This is for various reasons: 1. Have you ever HEARD a fart in a toilet??? The toilet just causes an echo effect letting everyone in a 75-yard radius know that you just farted. 2. By the time I actually get to the bathroom, the gas has already worked it's way back up into my digestive tract and I won't feel it again until I sit down.
I have tried to come up with creative ways to relieve myself of my excess gas. When it's just me in the clinic, I just let it go. Not at my desk, because I am out in this "main hallway" where people would walk by and smell my toxicity, so I go in the back of the clinic and just let 'er rip! But when my boss is here, that's clearly inappropriate, mostly because it would KILL him. Anyway. My desk is butted up against a medical records closet and the door has a little keypad lock thing on it. It also has it's own little air vent. I thought it was an air vent that sucks air up...because I'm a moron. Guess what!? It's an air vent that pushes air out. See where I'm going??
One day I thought I might EXPLODE from my gas so I just popped right in that closet and farted and farted and just farted some more. When I was "done" I snuck out, trying to open the door as little as possible so that no gas escaped. I went back to my desk and got to work. After a few minutes I smelled faintly a stinky aroma. I sniffed the air and my eyes popped open so wide because I realized that if I could smell the farty-ness then it was very close to my boss smelling it!!! I jumped up with some spray and just then my boss walked out of his office. "Do you smell something?" He asked. JUNK!!! "I do." I said...and then I said the first thing I could think of:
"it's that patient in exam room 2. She's kind of older and I think she just couldn't hold in her gas. Old people have trouble with that, you know?"
I blamed my disgusting gas on a harmless, oblivious old lady! I'm sure my boss thought she was just gross the whole time he was examining her. I ought to be ashamed of myself.
But I guess you could say she took the fall while I came out smelling like a rose.
3 comments:
Okay, you just had me laughing so hard, I'm crying here. I called my 22 year old daughter back from heading to bed, and re-read the post to her....she was crying, too. I have often wondered why no one has invented a sound absorbing, odor absorbing charcoal filter for this problem. How do people like movie stars and presidents manage to get through the day smelling like roses? Thanks so much for the good laugh! Oh,and from one gassy lady to another, I am laughing WITH you , not at you...
That is too funny.. today I had my annual gyn visit, and I stopped off at the bathroom in the building, just to, you know.. because every year I am just so tortured!! Do I let one slip, and have the Dr. walk in, or hold it, and risk the danger of one popping when the exam is, you know.. Anyway, it happens every year that I think I'm prepared, then I find myself sitting naked under a sheet WAITING WAY TOO LONG trying to decide whether to do or not to do, that is the question. By the way, I am not the harmless, oblivious old lady of whom you speak.. I live in another state.. I hope!! Not that I wouldn't want to live in your state, it's just that I hope I am not the one you blamed.. perhaps I should just give in next time because SOMEONE might be blaming me anyway?? (I must confess, though, to calling my kids to come stand closer to the cart when shopping, they did catch on after awhile, so I just had to shop faster.)
Oh, you girls are so funny!!
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