Since we've been on this topic...(JELLO LOVERS: DON'T READ!)

I started working at the hospital at a nurse's aide for two reasons: I needed a job and also my best friend worked there doing the same thing. I requested that I work on her floor and they hired me based on her good recommendation. I really was good at my job. I busted my butt and gave 144% everyday...even when I was exhausted. I tried to make sure that every one of my patients were taken care of and that when they left they wouldn't have a single negative thing to say about my job performance. I worked very hard and I was very good at my job.

But I didn't start out that way.

After going through the intensive 2 week classroom training, we were assigned to our floors and we had a preceptor. Jules, my best friend, was my preceptor. I was expected to go through the motions with her and see what all she did...take notes and ask questions...and just get to stand back and watch. YEAH RIGHT. Apparently everyone and their mother knows that hospitals are shorthanded so when they get fresh meat they put you to work FAST! So, I switched from observing to a little more...hands on.

One of my first hands-on "lessons" was changing an adult diaper. I figured that I'd done the kid ones before and honestly, NOTHING can be worse than some of the kid diapers I've changed.

I learned very quickly that I was very wrong on that point.

The man we were going to be, um, working on was about 75ish and he was in the hospital for none else: persistent diarrhea. YAY! So he was on a clear liquid diet: Jello, chicken broth, sprite. That's about all you have to choose from, and when you're hungry there's only so much chicken "broth" (which consisted of a bullion cube in some hot water, stirred.) a man can take. So he ate a lot of jello. A LOT.

Does anyone see where I'm going? extra points if you do!

So we go in there and it's literally my first day. I already had gotten a little tickled because the man looked like an African American Albert Einstein. His hair looked like he went digging for some food with his metal spoon in the electrical socket. So, I already had the chuckles, but I managed to just turn them into a smile. Julie had given me the run-down outside the door so I would know what to expect. I was fully prepared.

We went inside and Julie introduced us to the gentleman. We'll call him Albert, for all intents and purposes. Albert said hello and informed us that he was very sorry that he was having to use a diaper and he was very embarrassed that we would have to clean him up. He continued to say that he wanted to just use the toilet but couldn't seem to get there in time. Imagine that. Persistent diarrhea mixed with 75 year old bones. Not a good mixture. Anyway! So we begin work on Albert and take his diaper off. Jules is on one side of the bed, I'm on the other. Albert is laying on his side facing me so that Jules can clean him up. Albert is laying on his side facing me. With no diaper on. OKAY...let me interrupt myself and say that up until this point I had never seen a boy part before on anyone over the age of 2. MAYBE 2 and a half. But definitely not an adult. But THERE it was. It caught my eye and I couldn't look away. I was so bothered by how disgusting boy parts are that I just COULDN'T LOOK AWAY. Jules started clearing her throat...I knew she was trying to get my attention. I tried to look at her instead of this nasty thing starting at me. Jules kept clearing her throat louder and louder and louder...

With a shake of my head I was finally able to look at Jules. She swears I was only looking at his boy parts for about 3 seconds, but it felt like a lifetime. Also, I learned that it was not only his particular boy parts that I found so disturbing. It's all of them. They just look so gross.

Ah, judge me if you want! They ARE gross.

Anyway, so I angled my body back towards Albert's face so that I didn't even see the "parts" in my peripheral vision. I began quietly chatting with Albert for a few minutes to relieve his embarrassment and also to keep me from staring. Then it came time for Jules to roll him over just to make sure she got him clean. So, he rolls his bottom towards me and he's facing Jules. It didn't take long--something about laying on that side of his body shifted his intestines/colon/whatever and he started yelling, "uh-oh! OH NO! it's coming! I gotta go again!" And we heard Pbbbbttttttttt...ttbppp...pppttbbb...bbbb...ptttbbb....

And guess what happened? He pooped JELLO! There were actual jello chunks in his poop! Red and orange! I know that's gross, but it's not the point of the story. The point is, I got tickled. Ok, actually, I laughed out loud. Jules snapped her fingers once, pointed to the door, and I ran out. I felt so bad for laughing and I went back and apologized later, but at the time, that was the funniest thing I'd ever seen! I've always been a girl who thinks Farts are Funny (as long as you're not farting in my face.) So, I guess I can blame it on being so new to nakedness, farting, and all the bodily functions that most people do behind closed doors. This poor man (and every patient, for that matter) couldn't help it. But I laughed so hard and so long!

It took me weeks where when someone farted (by accident only. If they did it on purpose it wasn't that funny) I could hold my composure. I had to leave the room so many times.

But, you'd think it was funny too if you saw jello confetti coming out of someones inadvertent fart!!