As a Hornet!

OOOH! Man, I've been having a hard time this week. I am just so exhausted. I feel like I cannot catch up on my sleep. Staying up late and getting up so dadgum early for work is KILLING me. I am a girl who LOVES to sleep. If sleeping were a sport, I'd be in the Olympics. I love to sleep. There is nothing that satisfies my soul like slipping under the covers after a long day and drifting off to the one thing that will restore your tired body. OH MAN! I LOVE SLEEP.

So, you can imagine what a delight I've been to those around me, since I haven't been getting enough sleep. I'm sure I'm just a slice of PURE HEAVEN.

Or perhaps we need to go in the other direction. Through the soil, earth's crust, and through the hot magma to find out where my attitude comes from. Because I have been ill as a hornet.

Yesterday, while on my way home I was drifting off to sleep. I decided that when I got home I would take a nap, so that I could spend time with my Wednesday night group instead of, you know, passing out in the big over sized chair. So, when I got home I took a nap from 5-6 and then I knew I had to get up and shower before everyone came over. I just KNEW that my HOUR nap would help me wake feeling refreshed as if I had slept for days. Much to my dismay (and the dismay of those around me) I did not wake up refreshed. Instead I woke up with the fury of 1,000 burning suns. I was mad at the world, and as much as I tried to improve my attitude during my shower, it did not get better.

I ended up snapping at Jules last night over something stupid. I got mad, yelled at her, and went to bed. Without saying I was sorry. Without even telling her I was going to bed. I have never, EVER done that before. Usually when there is a fight or whatever, with ANYONE, I cannot sleep. I have this fear that I'll fight with someone and go to bed mad and they'll die in their sleep and I'll have to live with my hatefulness forever. Or I'm always afraid that they'll like go for a walk or a drive or something, you know, to cool off, and they'll get in an accident or get hit by a car or whatever and die. And then I'll left being consumed by guilt and self-loathing my whole life. I'll grow up to be the woman who lives in her bathrobe, never leaves the house, and has 65 cats (until the Humane Society takes them away). And I don't want to be that woman. And I don't want the people I care about to die mad at me. So usually, when I get in a fight with someone, I want to resolve it BEFORE i can go to sleep. As you can imagine this usually results in loss of sleep as well. Oh, geez...where was i?? OH yeah, so I went to bed mad last night. For the first time in my life. And this morning, instead of feeling better and even slightly rested, I felt horrible for how I snapped at Julie. I felt bad for going to bed mad. I had yelled and made a butt hole of myself in front of her mother. I felt embarrassed and ashamed of my toddler behavior. So, I woke Jules up and told her I was sorry before I left for work today. I'm not sure she'll remember the conversation, mostly because she was in the middle of a deep, dark slumber (oh, I'm jealous!). So, I'm saying it now. I'm really sorry for being a butt hole. I'm sorry for getting mad about something so stupid. Although I am severely sleep deprived, that doesn't warrant my acting so hatefully. You are my best friend and you do so much for me everyday. Even last night when you were mad at me you still got up and fixed my lunch. I'm sorry for being so ugly. I hope you'll forgive me.

It's a holiday weekend, and I plan on getting lots of rest so that this doesn't happen again. I hate to apologize. Not because I am too prideful to do it, but because it means that I have done something wrong, and I just want to do things right! I guess that's life tho. There's no way to get out of doing things wrong, and that is why I'm so thankful that my life has already been paid for. Otherwise, I'd be in some deep trouble, especially after last night.

So, let's hope the sleep helps, and I don't have anymore temper-mental outbursts. It is, after all, Independence Day tomorrow! YAY! I love fireworks, and I'm sure there will be lots in store. Stay tuned and maybe there will be pictures!

And I'm going to try to get some sleep. The world, (at least as far as I am concerned) will be a better place.